Over the phone..

You say I sound mad over the phone.

You Always. Always. Always. Sound upset over the phone.

It’s sad to point it out but every time we talk over the phone, one of us get upset or atleast sound it.

The second you sound upset like that, I feel like it’s my fault. I get impatient. I get agitated. I get frustrated.

I’m Sorry, but we’re going to have to keep calling to a minimum until we can talk over the phone properly. Not one of us, but both of us. Especially me. :/

My Love,

Don’t take these words offensively. I just want to help you, if you’re open to be helped. I don’t want you to change a single bit, I just want to help you get silly thoughts out of your head when they pop up, and permanently keep them out.

Your protectiveness? Oh my god. I love it. It does its job, it makes me feel protected, comfortable, and Really like I have someone there for me. Never, ever change that aspect or any other aspect. I’m just saying, I’m telling you the truth the first time you ask for it :P If you ask who I’m talking to, I’m more than happy to answer. But I’m also working on my patience. With my patience, it’s difficult to answer the same question several times in different words. When I answer a question, rather than asking it again.. you could you know.. just give yourself a little nudge that says “She’s telling me the truth the first time.” As simple as that. No changing, no arguments, nothing. I love your protectiveness and it’d better never ever leave, I just have patience problems and I definitely don’t want to accidentally take it out on you. Not to mention I’ll always be honest with you.

Your view on my guy friends? I’d say this is probably the toughest part to get over. But I need, need, need you to understand that I’m never leaving you. The more you ask “Never cheat on me” or similar questions, it’s what gives me doubts. I know you trust me so, so much. But I don’t think your thoughts believe me as much as your heart. Please my love, just give it a second to think before you speak. Reasure yourself I’m never leaving you. I would never flirt with another guy. Yes, other guys might hit on me but it’s life! Other girls will look at you and potentially talk to you in certain ways, say certain things, but it’s life! We can’t control other people, just as other people cannot control us. In other words, don’t let my guy friends control your thoughts, my love. They’re just friends and they always will be. I’m capable of telling them No, just as you can say No to any other girl. I believe in your trust, and I trust you with all my heart and mind, but reasuring yourself would probably help a lot :D

Always apologizing? Always taking the blame and always apologizing for everything is like taking the entire earth on your back, you can’t support that much weight. Everytime you apologize, think of it as adding weight onto your mind. If I can take a wild guess, I bet you Really don’t feel good when you apologize because you think each and every time it’s your fault. My Maxy Apple Pie, I’m telling you it’s not your fault. 99% of the things you apologize for do not require apologies. We see eachother as perfect. But in reality, we’re both incredibly imperfect. But, that’s what makes up perfect, make sense? It’s our mistakes that helps us learn and our thoughts about one another that lets the other know what’s up. If you make a mistake, you do not need to apologize. And apology is meant if you do something that could bother someone else. Otherwise, it’s an “oopsie-daisy” silly mistake. Asking something too many times, assuming things, anything along those lines are not worthy of apologies. Putting all this weight on your mind only makes you want to apologize more, and feel worse. And Max, when I say this I mean it with all my heart and soul, there’s nothing I want more in the world than for you to feel good and happy. You being happy makes me happy. But the thing is, I won’t ruin my happiness for yours. Which is why I don’t want you ruining yours for mine. When you make a silly mistake, saying “Sorry” doesn’t make it all better because you’re taking the blame, it makes it upsetting because I know you feel bad about something that you shouldn’t. To sum it up, we both learn from our mistakes, not by taking the blame each time.

Pardon this mini rant but I hope this clears things up a wee bit. But we’ll talk more tomorrow <3 xoxo

Love you so much Max, forever and Always & Only you,

Love,

Corey.

ETF, AA, TWA Last night <3

So I saw The World Alive, Attack Attack and Escape the Fate last night in Buffalo. Can’t say much more than it was fucking Amazing.

Then I tried searching up on tumblr to see who else was there but it’s hard when there were so many people.

I wonder if I’ll recognize anyone on Tumblr from last night.

That would be kind of cool. xD

Ears ringing from music blaring.

Muscles burning from all the jumping.

Head spinning from all the cheering.

All together, the greatest feeling.

Why am I offended so easily?

Well, only by my parents.. Every single day I put in an effort to do my chores including the dishes, the garbages, taking Harley out to the bathroom multiple times per day, refilling her food and water, setting the table, clearing the table. I try to keep my room clean to keep my mom happy. Whenever they ask me to unload the groceries, I immediately go without complaining. I vaccuume almost every weekend like I’m supposed to. I always fold the socks whenever my mom puts the basket in my room. I try to always bring my laundry into the baskets, pick up my laundry and bring back hangers. I try my absolute best to help them whenever they want me to do a quick little something.

But still, I have them come to me that I didn’t take the dog on a walk. I should do the extra dishes too. I should stop taking everything for granted.

All my head screams is it’s never good enough. And when those thoughts come, there’s three options. Toss the emotions into a pile to grow bigger and bigger. Give up. Or react. I’ve tried everything. I swear, I have. Last year when I was in a reckless state, I’ve tried giving up and reacting. Just taking it and then refusing to deal with it led to hurting myself. Reacting led to getting grounded one time after another, priveleges taken away and more arguing. Now, I’m resorting to tossing it into a pile to grow. But the thing is, Every damn day it grows. And I swear, it’s been over capacity for the past 6 months atleast. At fucking least. I don’t know how I’m dealing with it. But every time there’s even a small comment, it just tips it a bit which leads to the thoughts of just feeling like shit. Sure, the thoughts don’t last long. But when you get those thoughts atleast once a day. Every single day. It starts to feel real. How much longer can I feel it every day until something happens?

Then feelings of anger and frustration come on because I look at my sister. I’m disgusted. I don’t feel bad for feeling hatred towards her. Honestly, I’ve always said I don’t hate anything. Which is true. But I’m starting to believe I Really do hate her. Hate her with envy and dissapointment. It’s unjust, everything about her. She doesn’t get up in the morning, I do. She doesn’t eat breakfast or make a lunch, I Always do. She doesn’t do well in school, I do. She treats her friends like shit, I don’t. She gets in fights, I don’t. She’s an attention whore and acts slutty, I sure as hell don’t. She acts WAY older than she is, I definitely don’t. She sits on her ass and eats all day, on the computer. I exercise, I try to be healthy, I’m self-motivated to participate in Sports including Cross country running, Baseball, Badminton, Soon Track and even Ultimate frisbee for god’s sake. But what Really tick’s me off are two things. Chores and respect. She does her daily job about once or MAX twice a week. I do mine every single damned day unless I’m not home. She respects Nobody, not even herself. I give everyone the respect I’m given. She’s selfish, I try my best to be generous and help others whenever I get the chance.

What punishment does she get?

Grounded for a couple days Max when it’s supposed to be a week. Oh, but it always gets shortened. She doesn’t care, she still doesn’t change.

That’s why I get offended so easily. I look at her and it upsets me. A lot. I’m not a perfect child but I try. I try so hard to just please my parents so I get rewarded with shit my sister gets without doing fuck all.

My parents treat me as a joke when I say either get my sister a psychiatrist or get me one before I can’t take anymore. When I say I want out of this house as soon as I can. When I say I hate my sister.

Pardon my rant, people.

But I guess my parents will find out when the pile gets overflowed and it just can’t take anymore.

I love you so much.

That’ll never change, no matter what.